Well, here goess......I am no where near as articulate as Amy or long winded as some others but here goes.  I have a very long train of thought that's been bursting for like Oh Gods I don't know how long but i need to let it burst out before i do.

  Amy, I give you such mad props for that blog yesterday.  That took such courage and strength you are a very strong woman and whether you believe it or not I look up to you every day to have the backbone that you do to speak your mind and thoughts the way you do.  I am so sorry you went through that on your own and I cried myself to sleep last night wishing I could've been there for you like the sister I thought i was.  But I guess I'm not or i would've known what to do to help you.

I have had so two emotions running through me as of the last 2 months.  Anger..........and depression.  Angry at myself, at my husband, at my family, at anybody who looked at me wrong.  Anger to where I wanted to run people over in the street because I thought it would make me feel another emotion besides anger.

Angry because every time in the last 2 months that I have blogged just wishing that someone would reply with a good thought or send nice wishes my way.................................not once.........not once has anyone that I know replied to me saying how they were praying for me or my family, that good thought and wishes were on the way.   Not............................once........no......instead I got after sitting in the hospital for hours not knowing whether or not i would need surgery........after coming home to having my vehicle taken away.  All I wanted was some sympathy, could I get it?   No, I got if you take the time to blog you can take the time to contact someone..  welll you know what Jackie?   Fuck off.......you're a selfish greedy bitch who thinks the entire world revolves around you and guess what?  it don't, How DARE you threaten to "sick the Gods on me"  How dare you call me the names that you did when all I asked was for a fucking answer as to what I did that was so terribly wrong that "the Gods are so mad at me and aren't talking to me"    All I wanted was an answer but all you did was demand that I fullfill everything you had told me to do.   Last time I checked I wasn't a child who took orders from someone who thinks she controls the Gods.

You know what I have done for the last 3 months, get up, go to work, sleep, repeat......I haven't had time to do anything to piss off the Gods which no one else seems to  know about. 

I have been battling some pretty severe depression for the last little bit.  I'm sorry some are dealing with family illness.  That's hard. 

You know what else is hard, not having a family to deal with.  Being told you are a Toronto visiting-witchcraft practicing whore who needs to be shot between the eyes. on Mothers Day no less.  Having the woman who was your role model growing up, your pillar of strength who taught you everything you know.  About how to stand up for yourself,, which I obviously failed, look at previous marraige.  to tell me this, to tell me that my exhusband was a wonderful person and call him every other day wondering how he was doing and if HE was ok.

I already apologised to Jim before I wrote this because of people's own personalities and feelings that I will be pissing people off.  So he got the apology and if I wasn't in my bathrobe I would go across the driveway and apologise to Nate and Amy to if I manage to offend anyone and knowing Jackie, I probably have.

I can't even finish this without the tears dripping down my chin, I am so conflicted right now.  I don't have a place in life.  I feel as if I don't have any family to turn to who will reassure me that I'm not crazy.  That I don't have to go to sleep in fear every night that my Daddy has decided that he can't handle it anymore and take off to Arizona like he's been threatening to do.  Maybe for once I can get a full nights sleep and not wake up crying from the nightmares, maybe sleep more than an hour at a time.  and maybe once, just once, I can get the reassurance from people.

I keep thinking every day that maybe if I were cuter, or if I didn't gain so much weight that people would respond to me like they used to.  Sorry there goes the anorexia again, and the depression, and the anxiety and the IBS.  Not to mention the 102 fever I have had for the last four days.  Or maybe the fact the some asshole in CH Illinois has stolen my sons SSN and BD and name and is trying to open Medicaid in his name.   and you know what's really funny, is that everyone who reads this will respond to the identity stealing and not to me, oh they cant do that prosecute them!!!  no shit sherlocks i know that.

Now I will get called a bitch behind my back again, being told that I am mean, you know what?  I'm not mean, I'm just honest.  I say real true things that I get called mean for. 

Amy, once again I am so proud of you and glad that you feel better.  I know you're lying, but hey, whatever it takes right?  You are a wonderful person and Nate is a great man.  I hope  you have many blissful years together because you deserve it.